||[Jul. 6th, 2006|11:58 pm]
I feel so useless lately, like I should be doing more than I am, which feels like nothing. I go to work and thats about it these days. I just came back from a vacation in Michigan, and I really felt that I needed one, but I didn't feel like I deserved it. I really wanted to join EMS this summer, I really wanted to get involved and help people. However, alot of this got in my way: number one- my mother- fire departments, EMS, she really just fights me about doing it. Number two- I don't have a car STILL! So even if I went against my mothers will and joined EMS anyway, I would have to ask her for a ride, and that just would not happen. And number three- It takes 6 months to become a full EMT, if you make it through, and how am I supposed to do that when I am going back to school. I think I might try and take some classes while I'm there to get some training, but I really need to talk to people about it. I just really feel like I need to be involved in helping people again. I got such a high from doing that with the fire department, but my mother took that away from me too. I can't wait for freedome. I can't wait to go back to school (even though I still don't have anywhere to live, and that topic should be an entry by itself). I just want to do what I want to do. You would think being 18 years old and a legal adult would change some things, but it doesn't. Not that I don't apreciate the things my mother does for me, I really do. Its just that we are so different and have a hard time understanding eachother, its frustrating.
Anyway, I want to do something usefull and help some people, get my hands dirty, feel overwhelmed with volunteer work. I want to come home feeling like I was supposed to be there at that time. I want to feel like I made a mark in someones life. I need that high, because there is nothing in the world like it, and I only got a small taste.